Friday, February 15, 2013

I am being pressured to be in the Ice Show. Not by any coaches, mind you, but by my surrogate skating parent, Lady Cluck. She is insisting. "You have to be in the Spring Show! I'll have no reason to watch if you don't!"

This makes little sense to me as both her daughters skate. In fact, I'm putting together some dresses for their competition season. But whatever, I'll take any encouragement I can find at this point.

The theme is "Skating through the Day," and no one really seems to know what that means but seems rollable. Me, I always think I'd love to skate through the day until I hit hour four in skates and my feet and hips begin to loudly protest. Thing is, I don't really know how this theme could apply to adults, unless they want us skating in spandex blazers and skirts, waving reams of paper and copier toner to Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money."

Maybe we could suspend one of the guys from the ceiling chained to a chair in a ball gag and spiked dog collar, make prop boxes of Skinny N' Sweet and do a number to "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton. (This is actually one of my anthems.)

Or we could do a series of RFOW3's to TCB by BTO. This seems like the best option.

At any rate, I will be in the show but only because my surrogate skating parent wants me to be. I do worry over what I will be made to wear. After sorting and handling and doing adjustments prefab skating costumes for awhile, I think they seem itchy and weirdly cut. Doubtless, this is the precise reason I lost the amount of weight that I did, I still worry. Do I really want Rink Coaches, who have been known to make jokes about the Fat Moms, knowing my measurements? (My kid tells me everything, gang.)

Who knows. It's not for me to decide. But Lady Cluck wants me to do it, and seeing as she is my surrogate skating parent, I don't want to let her down. Maybe by then I'll be turning better, or at least bending my knees.


  1. I am laughing, out loud, on my couch right now -- enough to vaguely annoy the dog who is just trying to take a nap, thank you very much. I LOVE the idea of blazers and staplers and reams of paper. Hilarious. I think you should have a whole adult number with the 9-5 music. (Bonus: then your measurements won't go public because every adult would be responsible for coming up with her/his own blazer/tie combination. No one wears a uniform in the office, so no one has to be in a matching costume.)

  2. Oh you should definitely do it. Terrifying yet SO much fun.

  3. See you at the early Sunday morning rehearsals!

    1. Who came up with those schedules? I don't think they were at wee hours two years ago? Good luck to everyone!!!