Wednesday, January 11, 2012

New Blade Guards Revolutionize the Way you Spend Money

Did you hear? There's a new Blade Guard in town! It was designed by a skater, so it has to be good, right?

They're called "Rockerz." The "Z" costs extra. Are they really better than your old crummy blade guard? Read the benefits and find out!

Rockerz has a heavy tread, designed to help you keep your grip on wet or slippery surfaces. Anytime someone starts talking about the dangers of slippery surfaces in the context of ice skating, I get the uncontrollable giggles. Besides, if it's raining or snowing outside and we have to trek from one rink to another, take your skates off.

The curved, rocker-shaped bottom allows you to roll through your walk, reducing impact and joint stress. *snicker* Impact and Joint Stress. And how far are you walking, anyway? Does anyone do the local 10K for Charity in their skates and guards?

The wide base helps keep your stability while wearing Rockerz. *snorfle* Stability.

Indented, ergonomic grips allow you to safely grip the guard while putting on or taking off. While I have induced blood dripping injuries on skate blades, it's usually when I forget the guards entirely, not when they're being put on or taken off.

Build your own? Absolutely! Not only can you mix and match the color halves, which most of us were already doing, but now you can choose what color spring you want! Gold or Silver?


All this for $32 and some change! But wait! If you order now they give you some kind of newfangled Roll Up Towel! This is so much better than that discarded local hockey team towel you picked up out of the lobby and currently use. This fancy towel has an embroidered penguin on it. And rolls up.

These fancypants guards are all swirly and curves, and claim they are "100% Recycleable." That's great, but what I'd really like to see is a guard set that is "Made from 100% Recycled Materials." When you use new stuff to make your stuff, you're missing the point of conserving resources.

Which brings me to the meat of my objections to $35 blade guards; $35 is a skating lesson to most people I know. So, you can spend your money on fancy accessories, or you can, I dunno, actually skate. Considering the pile of orphaned blade guards in the lost and found at the rink, this is a lot of cash to lay down for what I consider an expendable item. This doesn't even include the heartbreak when you consider the time spent agonizing between "Layback Lilac" and "Tangerine Tango," and your lost Gold Spring. (Tip: The Springs rust with age.)

Blade Guards need to Guard the Blades. This is their purpose in life, and I don't think a $35 guard will do it any better than a $15 guard. Same thing with the fancy towel. An old dishrag soaks up water just as good as the embroidered penguin.

I started to qualify the use of these things as, "Well, maybe if you're a high level skater with some pricey blades..." but then I read that these guards "currently" don't work with K-Picks. Oh well. K-Pick people, I guess no "Peppermint Pink" for you. I know you has a sad now. **sad face**


  1. Well, you know Pantone has declared Tangerine Tango the color of 2012, so I guess you don't have to think that hard about the color....

    Sorry, this is sooooo funny! Something those of us with wheels don't have to worry about... Though I did just spend $60 on new bearings (and that is like a crazy good sale price right there), so I guess I can't snigger too much.

  2. You can't do a 10k in have to weer Kootsu guards for that!

    (Though I'm wondering if these would give you enough traction that you wouldn't fall if you step on the ice with them. That's an innovation I want in a blade guard.)

    I haven't seen either of these new guards at our rink. We are a pretty no-guard rink, but the ones that appear around competition time are standard 2-piece or the 1 piece guards.

  3. Also- THIS is what the hockey kids at the rink really need.

    Oh my gosh, the horror. (I think I've seen them for figure skates too)

  4. Haha that rolling guard is so freaking hilarious! It is what happens when the kids does roller and ice hockey and the parents are too cheap to buy 2 pairs of skates...

  5. I want wooden blade guards to come back. You could step on the ice in those and not fall (reportedly). They stopped making them in the 60's.

  6. You FOOL! You could have asked for a pair to "review" and gotten some free! I'm on it.