Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Weight Management and the Masses

My decision to skate was the catalyst to decide to lose the last of the baby weight. In a year I took off a lot of weight, and I am much happier and healthier. You would think that people would be happy for me. Most people are.... but I do have some definite detractors!

Now that I'm gearing up for "the Season" (Tests, Audition, Show and hopefully a Comp or two) I am taking off the 5 pounds I've put on over a lazy Summer. This means it's back to salads, lean protein, smaller portions, fewer carbs and less sugar. My office Detractors have noticed. Their efforts to derail, deride and mock my new eating habits fall into a comic spectrum that I look forward to just about every lunchtime.

The Braggart

This guy eats like crap. Total crap. I love a good burrito with all the trimmings just as much as the next guy, but for this guy they are a daily affair. The Braggart loves to eat his crappy (albeit heavenly) junky food while commenting on how gross raw spinach is, and asking how you can eat carrots every day. "Lettuce is a vegetable," he laughs, holding up a wilted leaf sopped in warm sour cream. "So this is a salad, too!! And it's so much better than yours!"

Take your comfort in The Braggart's afternoon panic dashes to the men's room, and smile.

The Derailer

Watch out for The Derailer. Operating under the pretense of Friendly Gesture, the Derailer will show up with Donuts, Chocolate Dipped Biscotti, Fudge, Brownies, Cookies, or any number of sweet treats. I have a Derailer that will show up with Maple Bacon Donuts. Once you've gone a few days without a hard form of processed sugar, you can smell that shit from fifty yards and it's a siren song. "I know you like these," says the Derailer. "Surely you can cheat just a little!"

Okay, so I will cut off a quarter of a maple bacon donut and eat that, and explain that once I sew a dress I am committed to fitting into it for the next six months at least. I thank them for the gesture and proffer the rest to my other colleagues.

The Confused

Other people will see your weight loss as a valiant effort and want to help. I have a Confused who knows I am a rabid eater of sweets, and so will offer Weight Watchers and other brands of sugar free, low calorie cakes and candies.

BE CAREFUL! I try to follow a very natural diet, so when I threw a chemical bomb into my system (in the form of Skinny Cow Chocolate Crisps) I wound up on the floor for eight hours thinking I had eaten razor blades. After that incident, I steer clear of all things chemically engineered to be like sugar.

The Critic

There is always one who has to just has to do the subtle digs at your dietary habits. "We're ordering Chinese, I'm assuming you don't want any," he says with a snarky tone. "I'd be shocked if you said yes." Take a small slice of office Birthday cake to be polite and sociable, and the snark is back, "What, cake for you? I thought you weren't eating sugar!"

What is this? Some kind of passive aggression?

The Critic is also the first to jump on any instance where he perceives a slip or error on your part. One morning of being in too much of a time crunch to make your lunch so you wind up ordering Jimmy John's Veggie Delight with no mayo and extra avocado for lunch, and the Critic proceeds to loudly laugh that you "fell off the wagon," or some such nonsense.

My Critic is also swell enough to point out that most people who lose weight will regain it within the year. What a charmer. (I actually wrote this post awhile ago. Since penning it, my Critic has quietly gone on Nutri-System. He has tried to hide it from me, but I'm not above peeking in the microwave while his Program Lunch is heating up.)

The One-Upper

Someone is also on a Diet, but his diet is way better than yours. By, "way better" I mean bordering on Eating Disorder. "I only eat 800 calories a day," he says blithely, "and I've lost 100 pounds." Well, yeah... but subsisting off of low calorie granola bars and energy drinks is not what a skater needs. When I explain that I don't really count calories, but watch portions and nutrition instead, he insists he's got that covered with a multivitamin.

While your One-Upper may not be as extreme as mine, (I am not making this up, he literally eats a snack pack of pretzels and a Weight Watchers granola bar for lunch) you can laugh as much as I did when he had to see his physician for chronic constipation. (Don't ask me how I found that out.) He switched his granola bar to a Fiber One bar after that.

Weight management is always fun. Everybody's got their own opinion and method, and they usually are not shy about it. If my readership wants details about my method that works for me, (Eat Less, Move More) I'm happy to share. Do what works for you, stay the course, and hang out with people who support your efforts.


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