Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Skatemares and Showmares

It's not good when I'm having skatemares about the Holiday Show and it's only August. But the dream itself was pretty telling in its reveal of what I am afraid of...

I showed up to the audition alone. My skating partner was not with me. What made this bad was that there was some kind of procession of everyone auditioning, and I was very obviously alone.

I brought my show/character dress and not my audition/test dress. I had already remade the skirt portion so it was longer and fuller, and my legs were swimming in heavy fabric. (Something I'm planning to do but haven't done yet.)

I forgot my tights, and had no socks. I was asking to borrow tights.

We had absolutely no program, and I knew it. I had no idea what to do. When I finally met up with my skating partner, I asked "What are we skating?" in a very sardonic tone. He was in his costume and skates and looking very relaxed while I was struggling with the skirt and only in one skate.

"Oh, I don't know, it doesn't matter," he replied blithely, and disappeared again. I immediately began piecing some moves together, figuring no one really knew what our program was anyway. Partner could follow along or not.

This dream is fairly clear: I am afraid of being alone and completely unprepared.

I won't say last year was a disaster, it wasn't. But it was Hard. I'm already taking steps to avert the Hard as much as I can, but there are things beyond my control that happened last year that can still happen this year. I know Circumstances are very, very different this year, but I can't make people do things they are unwilling or unable to do. I can't make people be at practice and on time. I can't make people focus or be supportive and positive. But this year I am either a part of a Team or I'm not. If I'm not part of a Team, then I'm out the door.

If this makes me "Dramatic," so be it. Contrarily, I think setting clear expectations like this affirms my position on "No Drama." I just need to remember my cardinal rule: My skating serves to make me happy. If it doesn't make me happy, then it's not worth my time.

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