Sunday, August 1, 2010

Puffy Soakers for the Concerned Citizen

This is a Puffy Soaker. It is shaped like a rabbit.

Soakers are something else you're going to find that you "need." A Soaker is an item of terry and cotton, and it wraps around the blade to soak up the water that is melting and condensing as soon as the kid leaves the ice.

I know what you're thinking: "I thought we wore blade guards when we leave the ice."

Ah yes, but blade guards trap water against the blade, and that leads to rust, so you NEED PUFFY SOAKERS.

I know, I know. I said the same thing. "Why not just get a stupid dry washcloth and wipe them down before putting the guards on? I mean, you aren't going to have the guards on for longer than twenty minutes, and nothing rusts in twenty minutes."

Right, I know. A dry washcloth or "Skate Towel" is an elegant solution. But here's the number one reason why you need Puffy Soakers: All the Cool Skaters have them.

I bought K a pair of soakers with a gift certificate. Otherwise I would not bother. We have a dry washcloth for blade drying. But K wanted them, I had this money to spend at a Hockey store of all places, so I got some soakers.

Let me tell you something, Soakers are an instrument of the devil. There is no other implement or tool in my life whose purpose it is to get wet and then sit in a bag that gets forgotten in a corner for four days out of the week. This is the definition of fucking dank. Add the Dank Factor to the Lose Factor, and these things score a twelve out of ten on my Annoying and Useless Products list. Every weekend after Synchro practice you can find a host of scattered and orphaned soakers, which leads to some mom traipsing either back out to neverwhere or the internet so she can cough up fifteen more bucks for essentially one soaker.

But the bunny and animal soakers are truly disturbing. I can't imagine a greater horror than a small child tromping around with an impaled bunny on her feet. The only way I would buy a bunny soaker is if the inner terrycloth was red. Then I'd buy six pair.

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