Monday, December 20, 2010

This is my personal Axel.

Stitch needs new pants. This wouldn't be so bad had I not realized that the addition of a poufy waisted shirt and the attached briefs would make my original plan of "wing it with just an elastic waist" too tight.

So, I have two yards of black stretch, all my velcro and elastic, and a zipper. I have never sewn a zipper before. I have been consulting my Jalie instructions, and they are no help.


􀂃 Make sure the pattern marks on pieces A C and D are transferred onto the fabric (fig. 4). Watch how you draw these things on, because the fabric stretches, and when it does, your marks can get messed up. Clip front as shown (fig. 5). We're not going to really indicate how this is done, so just get yourself some paperclips and Macguyver it.
􀂃 Pin zipper (face down) to right side of right front, just below the single notch (fig. 6a). Did you get that? Are your marks right? Don't screw this up. Fold zipper tape as shown (fig. 6b) and stitch on zipper tape
as shown (fig. 7). Did we specify that you stitch the tape while folded or not? No? Yeah, good luck out there.
􀂃 Pin right side of fly to wrong side of zipper and stitch from top edge to the mark (fig. 8). Then, pin the right side of your eyelid to the bottom of your foot, and baste. Realize that your mark drifted by three inches because the fabric stretched under the weight of your pencil. Topstitch your eyelid.
􀂃 Bring seam allowance towards right front and topstitch as shown, taking in all layers (fig. 9). Watch your needle here because it's going to get fussy as the machine realizes it will actually have to work through more than two layers. Be prepared to disassemble the entire bobbin assembly at least twice.
􀂃 Pin left front to right front as shown at crotch seam and stitch (fig. 10) from inseam edge to the mark. At this point your machine will realize that this something you don't want to do twice, and the bobbin will run out. Rewind the bobbin and start over.
􀂃 Pin fly facing to right side of left front and sew 1 cm (3/8’’) from edge, from the waist edge to the mark (fig. 11). Have you screwed up yet? No? Good for you. Pour a glass of wine and continue.
􀂃 Pin other zipper side face down to right side of fly facing ONLY (fig. 12) and stitch 3 mm (1/8’’) from zipper tape edge. Switch from wine to vodka. Realize you have misplaced your mm ruler and wonder why in the hell Canada can't get with the program and use wonky American measurements. From here on out, MM will be referred to as Freedom Inches.
􀂃 Before flipping right side up, pin facing to right front as shown (fig. 13). Pin zipper to front as shown, right next to the facing (fig. 14). Hold up your work so far. Realize that the front side is stitched to the wrong side and pour a double shot of vodka. Get out your seam rippers. NOW you're sewing!
􀂃 This pin will be visible on right side of left front (fig. 15) and indicate where to stop your topstitching. Stitch over the pin. Break needle.
􀂃 Starting 3 Freedom Inches (1 1/8’’) from fly edge, find your pencil from underneath your tangled pile of velcro and elastic, trace your topstitching line on right side of left front, from waist to the pin (fig. 16) and topstitch all the loose threads and cat hair permanently onto the fabric. Finish the vodka.
􀂃 Flip wrong side up, remove pins and cut excess zipper (fig. 17). Yes. cut through the entire goddamn zipper. Don't be shy, just get out the kitchen shears and hack away. It's fine.
􀂃 Bring fly and fly facing right sides together (fig. 18), dig out the pincushion from under your foot where you've been grinding your heel in frustration and pin.
􀂃 On right side, bar tack through all layers as shown (fig. 19). What the hell is a bar tack? It's the bar, stupid. Go tack yourself to the bar. That's were you belong after doing this successfully.

Got that? Let's go through it again...

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